judging a man by his book covers

First of all, I totally got permission to do this, so don’t worry about Chris’ feelings. He’s fine.

Here’s the thing: Chris and I are readers—fiction, non-fiction, science-fiction, instructional, entertaining, informative, provocative—you hand it to us, we’ll read it. We have piles of books in every room and, much to the amusement of visitors, a main bookcase organized first by genre, then, when possible, by color:

both practical AND aesthetically pleasing

You’ll notice the bottom shelf is not arranged with the same care and attention as the others. These are the books that fall into Chris’ Books, Group B. Chris’ Books, Group A are books he brings home that I can totally get into, read, and discuss. Group B books are as follows: graphic novels, science fiction, and step-by-steps of whatever physical quest Chris is into. I began looking through the last of this list recently, after Chris showed me a paragraph in his latest Amazon purchase: The 7 Secrets of Skiing, by one Mr. Chalky White. While I have no doubt that Chalky can ski circles around my ass, an expert carver does not a writer make:

You then managed to consistently fore and aft balance that ROCK. As a result, it then became largely instrumental in your consistent ability to, constantly, get the full length of your skis pressed onto the snow thus, increasing your ability to cause a ski to grip the snow… You did that, knowing only two ‘Secrets’—imagine where you’ll be after seven?

But I’m not picking on Chalky White alone. Here’s my list of Top 5 in Chris’ Collection of Revolutionary Secrets:

1. Enter the Kettlebell! Strength Secret of The Soviet Supermen
2. Chi Running: A Revolutionary Approach To Effortless, Injury-Free Running
3. Convict Conditioning: How to Bust Free of All Weakness—Using the Lost Secrets of Supreme Survival Strength
4. Total Immersion: The Revolutionary Way to Swim Better, Faster, and Easier

and, my personal favorite, based on the cover alone:

5. The Complete Juggler: All the Steps from Beginner to Professional.

He owned this before we met and I married him anyway.

How do I incorporate these into our collection? Thoughts? Titles we’re missing? Leave suggestions below.

some thoughts for the new year

1. When someone’s been flamingoed, do they really need a sign that says, “You’ve been flamingoed!” ?
   

   thepinkflamingosite.com

2. Is spreading vegenaise on my ham-and-cheese sandwich what they mean when they say, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”?
3. The older my kids get, the more I like them. Babies are overrated.
4. If your God is genuinely concerned with how many “likes” he has on Facebook, it may be time to explore other religions.
5. For job-security purposes, it may not be in my therapist’s best interest to straighten me out.
6. Is there an amendment in the constitution that protects my rights from other amendments?
7. Is it possible to just give money directly to cancer research and admit that you enjoy shaving your facial hair into ridiculous styles for no reason?
   

   bitrebels.com

8. Are my aversions to the words “panties,” “membranes,” and “woman,” all connected to 6th grade health class?
9. People who take pride in their jobs, no matter what the work, are so good to be around.
10. Being a grown-up is actually pretty fun.

Feel free to leave your own in the comments…

crazy eights

Chris and I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary this week. (Not to be confused with our first-date anniversary, which we also celebrate, mainly because it’s easy to remember: April 1, and kind of funny: April Fools!) We met running on a relay team a mutual friend put together for Brew-to-Brew, a race that begins at Boulevard Brewery in Kansas City and ends 40-some miles later at Freestate Brewery in Lawrence. (“Because without beer, things do not seem to go as well.”) That first year, I ran leg 2 and he ran leg 3. After the baton hand-off, he did a cartwheel and promptly sprained his ankle. I was in love.

The day of our anniversary, I was reading an interview with Gwyneth Paltrow (for whom, like many women, I have rotating admiration and contempt.) She was asked for her thoughts on having successful relationships: “I focus more on understanding than being understood.”

I thought this was good and something I don’t do nearly enough of. I want to try harder at that.

Unfortunately for Chris, he’s kind of a private guy, which means it’s probably tough for him, being married to a blogger and writer and an all-round Chatty Cathy. So, instead of listing all the great things about him (of which there are many), I’ll try to respect some boundaries and list some reasons he’s a champ for being married to me.

Some Things Chris Puts Up With:
1) When he asks me to use the stud-finder (insert your own stud-finder joke here) to hang pictures, I comply. I find the stud and then ignore its location if it isn’t where I want to hang the picture. Then, when my picture falls off the wall a few weeks later, I ask him to fix it with a dry-wall screw.

2) Instead of switching on one, bright overhead light in a room, which would be his preference, he has to turn on half-a-dozen lamps, low-watt overheads, and twinkly lights, and even then, wear a headlamp in the living room if he wants to read.

3) He periodically goes through the trash and/or donation boxes to make sure I’m not throwing/giving his or the kids things away if I’m on a de-cluttering kick.

4) I shave my legs maybe once every two weeks, and when I do, I use his razor. (Though I recently promised to replace the blade when I do this, and I intend to keep this promise.)

5) I drive the car down to “empty” and then ride my bike until he fills the tank again. (I think this is why he splurged for a Prius.)

6) I make up my own rules regarding when a man should be a gentleman and when I find it insulting.

7) No matter what, when, or why he’s watching something, I ask him to turn it down.

8) Uh, I’m kind of moody. (Mwa-ha-ha..)

*

I offer my admiration to anyone out there who celebrates an anniversary year-after-year. This life-partnership-stuff isn’t easy. I don’t know why, culturally, we spend so much money on the wedding, at the beginning. The big party should be for those couples who’ve made it fifty years. In only eight together, we’ve celebrated the birth of three children, mourned the loss of loved ones, danced with others at their own unions, and offered support when some of those unions were over. We’ve lived in four different houses, two different states, and somehow encouraged one another to pursue our own passions without losing our individuality. I can only hope that in the next eight years, and the eight after that, and so on and so forth, we’ll continue to learn and grow and love.

Taken the fourth year of our participation together in Brew-to-Brew. One of my favorites! Pretty much sums up how we met.

making lemonade when someone steals your lemons. wait. that doesn’t work. that would just be sugar water…

I have never had my home burglarized. Knock on wood or something similar to wood. The woodish table upon which my laptop sits.

The closest I can come to empathizing with the feeling of vulnerability you must have is when I had my wallet stolen. That sounds like a lame comparison, and maybe it is a lame comparison, but it sure felt important when it happened.

I was eighteen when a group of us went on a mission trip to Australia. It was the first time I’d ever been out of the country and only the second time I’d ever been on an airplane. I’d saved up for months for the trip and ended up with around $500 in spending money (for things like gifts, food, transportation, or to buy my own koala bear or family of koala bears).

I left my wallet in the airport bathroom. For maybe five minutes. With the whole $500 shebang in it. (Because who can trust those baggage handlers?!? You’ve got to be a few grapes short of a fruit salad to leave your money in your suitcase. Much better to carry it with you in your sparkly pink wallet so that you know it’s with someone who is reeeesponnnnsibllllle.) When I realized and got back to the stall, it was gone. Shocker. When I asked Airport Security, the guy took my name and address but he said, “No one ever turns in wallets. Not since I’ve been here has anyone ever turned in a wallet.” This shocked my little teenaged self. I would turn in a wallet if I ever found one. Actually, I found a wallet a few months ago and did just that. Long story short, however, nobody ever turned the wallet in. Luckily, I had my ID in my pocket, so I was still able to travel out of the country that day.

Anyway, I figured that, even though you do yoga, you are probably just a teensy bit mad mad mad about the whole affair. I wanted to figure out a way to encourage you, so here is my list of positive things that may come from your home being burglarized, even though the positive things are probably not worth a whole 10000-words-of-a-novel or a wedding ring. Ahem. Anyway. Silver lining. Here you go:

1. You now get to say, “It was probably stolen” in a dramatic- or forlorn-sounding voice whenever you lose something, misplace something, throw away something you’d like to get rid of but someone else doesn’t want you to get rid of, or generally just don’t want to look for the thing that has been requested. I can imagine lots of scenarios where this might be helpful. In fact, I have actually utilized this excuse, so I can vouch for its validity. When Scott and I were moving into our first house, my dad packed a whole bunch of our stuff in the back of his pickup truck, MacGuyver-style. The truck looked ridiculous. Well, a box fell out and shattered all over the freeway. There were a bunch of random things in that box: candlestick holders, bed sheets, a CD case filled with a bunch of CDs. And still, to this very day, I think of more and more stuff that was in that box.  It’s remarkable how much fit in that tiny box. Unbelievable, really.
2. You might get a nice piece of new jewelry out of it. Granted, it won’t be the same. It won’t be as sentimental and important as your original ring. But maybe it will have bigger diamonds? Does Chris read this blog? (Hi, Chris. I know you read this blog because you called me out on misspelling Justin Beiber/Bieber/Beeber/Beaber/Beebeer one time.)
3. Did you read #1? Cuz that was a good one.
4. If you ever do kickboxing, you will have a good imaginary target. It would have been much easier to be all Les Miserables about everything if those jerks just would have left the wedding ring. Geez, people. Thieves would get a whole lot better PR if they’d realize things like this. Steal the television, but leave the wedding ring. Steal the wallet, but leave the Driver’s License and the GAP card– because, really, you’re not going to go to GAP, are you, Burglar? Steal the car, but leave the kid’s favorite blankie from the backseat.
5. You now have a lot of motivation to organize your closet? OK, that one sucks. Disregard that one.
6. Your friends get the chance to show you kindness and grace. I hope this is as true for you as it was for me. Only moments after we got back and told the group that my money had been stolen, people took up a collection from their own stashes of spending money and gave me back almost as much as I had lost. It was pretty incredible, actually. I remember that much more often than I remember the feeling of something being taken from me in the first place.

Image from  Glitter Wallet – Pink